


T.M.I.

by Anonymous



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Boys Being Boys, Crack, Gen, Not porn, Penis Measuring, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:15:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25915723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: “Hey, remember the time everyone in our class measured their dicks and put the results up on a big poster?” Clyde asked nonchalantly, as if this was just an everyday occurrence.“Uh, yeah?” came Token’s apprehensive reply.“We should do that again,” said Clyde, which made Craig almost choke on the water he was drinking.“Why?” asked Craig, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.Clyde just shrugged, “It’ll be fun."a.k.a. Clyde convinces the guys to take part in a literal dick measuring contest.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak (Mentioned), Token Black/Nichole Daniels (mentioned), past Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger
Comments: 7
Kudos: 128
Collections: Anonymous





	T.M.I.

**Author's Note:**

> So I watched the South Park episode ‘T.M.I.’ and ended up writing this crackfic set eight years later.

“Hey, remember the time all the guys in our class measured their dicks and put the results up on a big poster?” Clyde asked nonchalantly, as if this was just an everyday occurrence.

“Uh, yeah?” came Token’s apprehensive reply.

“We should do that again,” said Clyde, which made Craig almost choke on the water he was drinking.

“Why?” asked Craig, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

Clyde just shrugged, “It’ll be fun. We can make a bet out of it, everyone chips in ten dollars and whichever guy has the biggest schlong wins the money.”

“Didn’t we find that out in, like, fourth grade?”

“Yeah but we’ve changed since then, you know, puberty and shit,” Clyde said, “plus, haven’t you every wondered who’s the big man on campus?” he wiggled an eyebrow, and when neither of the other two answered, added, “or are you just scared because you know it’ll be me?”

Token shared an exasperated look with Craig, who shot back an ‘I-don’t-know-either’ expression.

“Alright then,” Token said to Clyde, a wicked grin spreading across his face, “time for you to put your money were your mouth is for once. You’ve got a bet.”

Craig looked at them both. “Dude, we need more than three people, otherwise it won’t be much of a contest.”

Clyde seemed to agree, but (un)fortunately, at that moment, spotted Kenny McCormick walking by and hollered him over.

“Hey Kenny, get over here.”

“What’s up, guys?” Kenny greeted as he sauntered over.

“My friends and I have got a little wager going on and we wondered if you’d like to join in,” Clyde asked smoothly.

“What is it?” Kenny usually wasn’t one for Clyde’s schemes but if there was money to be won, he was interested.

“Well, we were just wondering which guy in our class has the biggest wang, and we thought we’d bet on it.”

“So you’re all betting on me, then?” Kenny replied with a cheeky grin, which made Clyde snort.

“Pffft, as if. We’re each betting on ourselves. Ten dollars, and the winner gets to take home the cash and the pride of knowing he’s the biggest guy in school,” he explained.

“Can you even afford to lose ten dollars, Kenny?” Craig deadpanned, which made Kenny roll his eyes.

“Trust me, this’ll be easy money. You’re on, Donovan,” he replied smugly, before looking over his shoulder at the usual three guys he hung around with sitting at their own table. “I can probably convince the guys to join in as well. When are we doing this?”

Clyde looked stunned for a moment, he hadn’t actually thought this far ahead. “Uhh- after school? Come to the boy's locker rooms.”

“Sweet, I can’t wait to win all that money,” Kenny said, leaving to sit at his usual table.

* * *

Clyde, Token, and Craig made their way over to the locker room after their last class, and were greeted by Kenny, along with Kyle, Stan, Cartman, as well as Butters.

“I don’t know why I agreed to this,” sighed Kyle.

“I know dude, I can’t believe we’re staying after school to look at other guy’s junk,” Stan added.

“Stan just doesn't want join in because he has a micropenis,” Craig teased.

“I do not!” exclaimed Stan.

Cartman let out a pudgy laugh. “Yeah, we all know that’s why Wendy dumped you.”

“It’s still bigger than yours, fatass,” Stan shot back.

“Oh yeah? Prove it, asshole.”

“Fine!” Stan shouted, fuming. “How are we doing this? I’m not jacking off in front of a bunch of guys.”

Clyde looked around, once again not thinking very far ahead. “Okay, how about this: you can go in the shower cubicle and, I don’t know, watch some porn on your phone or something to get hard,” he pulled a ruler out of his bag, “then measure yourself with this. Whoever’s is the longest, wins.”

“Hey wait a minute, how do we know he’ll tell the truth and not just make up a bigger number?” Token objected.

Before Clyde could reply, Kenny offered a solution. “Sorry, man. Looks like you’ll have to do the measuring in front of us so we know you ain’t lying.”

Stan took the ruler from Clyde, jaw clenching. His desire to disprove the rumor his ex-girlfriend had started that he was under-endowed won over his desire for his friends (and Cartman) to not see his genitals. “F-Fine. I’ll do it. Whatever,” Stan said angrily, disappearing into a shower cubicle for some privacy.

There was a few seconds of awkward silence as they listened to the sound of Stan unbuckling his belt and the rustling of fabric. After a minute or so, he pushed back the cubicle door, his boner poking through the fly of his jeans and the ruler pressed into his crotch.

“See? Almost five inches. Not small.” Stan huffed, removing the ruler and attempting to stuff his now softening dick back into his boxers.

Kenny made a note on his phone, “Stan – just under five, not a bad start.” He looked around. “I think since this was all Clyde’s idea, he should go next.”

“Alright then,” Clyde said confidently, taking his ruler back from Stan, “prepare to see a real man.”

Clyde waltzed into the shower cubicle as Stan pretended like he hadn’t just shown his almost-completely-average penis to seven other guys.

After a short moment, Clyde re-emerged, waving his erection around with a lot more conviction than Stan had.

“Check it out, guys, I’m seven inches. Pretty big, right?”

Token looked over. “You’re definitely rounding up there. It’s six and three quarters at best.”

“What?” Clyde sounded offended, trying to push the ruler further into his pubic fat. “No, it’s totally seven, look.”

“I’ll just put you down as almost seven,” said Kenny, making another note on his phone as Clyde tried to wrestle his still hard dick back into his pants.

“Alright, mister math genius, you try and do better,” Clyde said, handing the ruler to Token.

“Heh, you know what they say about black guys-” Cartman started, but Token just gave him a deathly glare.

“That’s a racial stereotype, asshole,” Token chided, disappearing into the cubicle. Moments later, he emerged, ruler on top of his own dick.

“Six and a half inches,” Clyde read. “Ha, looks like I’m still in the lead.”

“We’re almost the same size, dude. Besides, everyone knows it’s the girth that counts. Just ask Nichole,” Token stated matter-of-factly.

“Whatever, man, I’ve had sex with way more chicks than you,” Clyde rebutted.

“Huh-ho, get a room you guys,” Cartman taunted, which made Clyde and Token turn to him.

“What about you, fatass? Can you even see your dick, or is it buried under all that fat?”

“Hey! I’m just fine thank you very much. My penis is a respectable size, and I didn’t come to be judged by you gaywads.”

Kyle rolled his eyes. “Everyone knows last time we did this you were bottom of the class, Cartman. I bet you haven’t even grown an inch since then.”

“I’ll have you know I have, actually.” he whined, grabbing the ruler, eager to prove Kyle wrong.

Cartman retreated into the shower, and after a minute revealed his hard-on to the guys.

“See? I can see my dick and it’s perfectly functional.”

He wasn’t very big, which combined with the fact he was overweight made him appear smaller, as his length just barely touched the 2.5 inch mark, which Kenny noted down.

“Two point five inches. Dude, that’s rough,” Kyle muttered, which only agitated Cartman further.

“Oh yeah? Well, for your information, Kyle, it’s not how big it is, it’s what you do with it that matters,” Cartman spat, “I’d like to see you do better.”

“You’re on, fatass, I’m at least twice as big as you,” Kyle challenged.

Kyle, it seemed, was telling the truth, as on his turn to measured he was almost exactly halfway between the 5” and 6” marks on the ruler.

“Okay. Kyle - five and a half. Pretty good.” Kenny noted down. “Butters, you’re up next.”

“Aw, geez, do I have to? I already know I ain’t the biggest fella around,” Butters said, shyly.

“Come on, Butters, everyone else is doing it,” Cartman replied, although his only interest was proving he wasn’t the smallest guy in class.

“Aw, alright then,” said Butters, taking the ruler into the cubicle with him. It was several minutes before he emerged again.

“Now fellas, it ain’t the biggest but it’s all I got,” Butters said, showing off his measurement to the other guys.

“That looks like four inches to me, Butters,” Kenny noted, patting him on the shoulder. “At least you’re still bigger than Cartman,” he winked, and Cartman huffed in frustration.

Butters buttoned up his pants and handed the ruler to Kenny. “I guess that leaves you, Ken.”

Kenny took the ruler and just smirked at the other guys as he disappeared behind the cubicle door. It only took a moment before he came out again, waving his erection proudly.

“Sorry, guys, but it looks like I’ve won our little contest,” Kenny said, placing the ruler on his cock. “I’m just over eight inches.”

True to his word, Kenny reached just past the 8” mark, and was the thickest so far as well.

“Holy shit, dude, you’re huge,” Kyle exclaimed.

“Aw, no fair, I totally though I was going to be the biggest guy in school,” Clyde complained, pouting, annoyed that he had lost his own competition.

Kenny just laughed as he pulled his pants back up. “Looks like you all own me ten bucks.”

“Hey, wait a minute,” Stan realized, “how come Craig didn’t have a go?”

“Yeah, Craig,” said Token. “Everyone else already embarrassed themselves, now it’s your turn.”

“Alright, alright, keep your pants on while I take mine off,” Craig replied in his deadpan voice, taking the ruler from Kenny and locking himself in the shower.

After a couple of minutes passed, Craig still hadn’t come out.

“Dude, it’s okay, you don’t have to be embarrassed, we’ve all already done it,” Clyde shouted from the other side of the divider.

“I’ll be out in a second,” replied Craig. After a moment, the lock clicked on the cubicle door and he slowly pushed it open before stepping out.

“Read it and weep, fellas,” Craig said confidently, holding his dick with one hand and the ruler with the other.

“Holy fuck,” Stan was the first to say.

Craig put the ruler to his crotch before reading out the numbers coolly. “Ten point five inches. Looks like I got you beat, huh, Kenny?”

Kenny’s eyes just widened. “Damn, I thought I was hung but you’re something else.” It was clear Craig had beaten him in both length and girth.

“Dude, how come you never told us you were hung like a pack mule?” Clyde questioned, to which Craig just shrugged.

“It never came up. Anyway-” he began, “I think this means I’ve won the bet. Each of you owes me ten bucks.”

The other guys had to concede that Craig had won their contest, and begrudgingly handed over their money.

“That was the easiest seventy bucks I ever made,” Craig commented, if only to annoy Clyde, who huffed and crossed his arms.

Kenny just look at Craig, impressed. “At least this explains why Tweek was limping earlier…”


End file.
